Growing our Family

The last two years have been exactly as life always is: a mixture of excitement and grief, joy and sorrow, mixed daily with the mundane details of everyday life. We've pursued another Congo adoption, loved another little boy, and lost him to the bureaucracy of government officials, who seem more intent on pride than compassion. And I won't lie, that has been devastatingly hard at times. Overall, the past two years have been good ones. We've seen our three beautiful kids grow and change and love and fight and play and become people that I really, truly enjoy. I just honestly can't fathom that they're all getting so big. But as a family, as a whole, we just haven't felt complete.

So many losses have taken their toll, and we've been... hesitant. We've been reeling from the heart-wrenching ache that comes with the loss of a child, that loss of expectation. In three years time, we lost three boys. Three boys that we fully expected to come home to us, to be a part of our family, and for two of them, now they have no family at all. Their names will be forever etched on my pieces of my heart. So although we've always known we plan to adopt again, there's been a sort of limbo for two years now, waiting for Congo to open up their borders for legally adopted children. Or waiting to be ready to move on.

And then came Nathan. I saw him on a waiting child list, and I thought that just maybe, we might fit. And the more questions I asked, the more this seemed our family might just be exactly what Nathan was looking for.  And when everyone came to the table, that was exactly what we all agreed: Nathan is joining our family! As a domestic adoption, this process has been ridiculously faster than international. We officially agreed at the end of May, and we're travelling to pick him up in the next few weeks.

There's a low level hum of anxiety and excitement over everything we do now. School is starting soon, and we desperately want him to have time to adjust to a brand new life and state and family before he has to adjust to a brand. new. middle school. Nathan is 11, which means we've completely skipped over two years of parenting phases, given that Robby is 9, followed by Lexi (8) and Ella (7). We are all so very excited to bring him home and welcome him into our family. And while we know that there will be challenges for everyone in the transition, we're just overjoyed that Nathan will be a part of us. I can't wait to share photos with everyone, but until he's home with us, it's best to keep his information private, as is his story.

We appreciate the love and support as we grow our family, and I hope to update again before another two years has passed. Pray and celebrate with us as we grow our family tree.

Happy Adoption Day!

Exactly one year ago today, we met this beautiful girl for the very first time.

And we have been so very, very blessed to watch her grow this past year.  So very blessed to have her as our daughter.  

And it seems so fitting, on National Adoption Day, that we celebrate Lexi's adoption day.  Our family is so much better for having you in it.  Happy Adoption Day, Sweet Girl.  I love you so much.

Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours

"Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like You have loved me.  Break my heart for what breaks Yours- everything I am for your kingdom's cause."  As I sang these words this morning, I couldn't hold it together any longer.  This has been my prayer for a long time, and God has answered it.  He has shown me need so deep, it's nearly incomprehensible.  And He has given me a heart for His children around the world.  And my heart is broken, for what breaks His.  

And now the question comes, "What now?"  My heart is broken.  I lay crumpled and beaten down, and I'm hurting, in pain.  And I cry out to Him, "Abba, I can't do this anymore!  Please, please help!"  Because asking to be broken is not the same as experiencing it.  Sometimes I wonder that people can't see it written all over my face.  I'm broken.

I've been healing from this loss of a child, this loss of David as a part of our lives.  I've been at the point that I'm ready to move on, have needed to move on.  And for the past few weeks, we've been considering two other referrals.  Two beautiful boys that need love and a home and a family. And now, it comes down to it, making the choice of which boy to make ours.  This week, preparing a care package, planning to accept a new son, it aches deep inside, a wrenching debilitating loss.  In choosing a son, I feel less that we are choosing who to make a child of ours, and more as if we're choosing who to leave behind.  To add to the pain, I'm sending items that I've set aside for David.  As much as I try, I cannot convince my broken heart that I am adding a son- I feel instead as if I'm losing two.  

And yet, I know that I can't adopt them all.  And my heart grieves for those left behind, just as my Abba's does.  Break my heart for what breaks Yours, that's done. And now I ask for healing and grace and peace in this monumental pain, this insufferable suffering.  There are times when having my eyes wide open is agony, and I can only ask my Abba to cradle me close as I grieve. 

Time Marches On

I've been avoiding my blog for the last couple months.  There's so much to put down, and so many emotions to sort through as I share our grief with friends and family.  So many highs and lows.  Pain, and anger combine with praise and thankfulness.  Throw in daily doses of normal life, that continues on and on, regardless of times I've just wanted it to stop and allow me to grieve and process.  But there is homework to do. Hair to style.  Dance class and teacher meetings and housework. Life goes on.

Two months ago, I felt it, for the first time.  A sincere, panicky, from the gut feeling that David, our son, wasn't going to be ours.  I had no reason to believe that things weren't still right on track, but I couldn't shake it, this ache in my heart that acknowledged that this beautiful boy wouldn't be ours.

And then came the phone call with our agency director, where she told me that David's mother had been found.  And more than that, she wanted to parent him.  And it was so, so hard.  Because as much as we wanted David to be ours, he got to go home!  To his mother, that loved him and wanted him.  Our agency took another couple of weeks, investigating, making sure that this was truly what his mother wanted.  And when official word came, we celebrated.  Because this is a beautiful story.  A story of God's grace and provision- an amazing story of reunion.  And David is reunited with his mama.  He is right where he belongs.  And for that, we are truly, sincerely happy for him.

But this has come at a cost for us, for our family.  There is loss, and grief, and anger, and sadness.  We've lost a son.  A brother. A grandson. A cousin. A nephew.  Emotions have been high. But when it comes down to it, there are so many kids in this world that don't have a family that wants to or can take care of them.  David is so blessed to be loved by two families.  And how amazing is that.

But less than two weeks following the loss of our son and my children's brother, we also had to put down my beloved dog, Molly.  She came into our home ten years ago, long before we had children.  And our family was left reeling at the loss of two very important members.  The losses were very different, but the double whammy has left this enormous ache in my chest.  It hurts.  And there's been moments where I've felt that I can't breathe.  That I've literally had to sit down and wait for it to pass, because I literally can't draw a breath, because my chest is so tight.

But time is passing, and the ache is subsiding, slowly but surely.  And our family is starting to move on.  My kids still talk about him, and how hard it is that he'll never come home to us.  But they're stabilizing, and the tears and tantrums and inappropriate reactions to small things are tapering off.

We're opening up to the possibility of a new referral, a new brother, a new son.  And I'm starting to feel hopeful again, because at the heart of things, David has a family.  And that's exactly what we wanted for him.  We've never wanted to take someone's child away- never been in the adoption process to fill our own void.  We want another child, but we also want to provide a family to a child that doesn't have a home.  And I CANNOT wish that David's mother had made a different choice.  Loving him, I want the very best for him, and I believe that that is his mother, who loves him very dearly.  And I am so, so very grateful that David is home with his mama.  Regardless of the cost to myself and my family, I am overwhelmingly grateful that he is home, exactly where he belongs.

Lexi's month of firsts!

This has been a crazy month of firsts for Alexis.  She performed in her first school programs and graduated Kindergarten!  

She went to her first American wedding.

She had her first sleepover at Grammy & Grandpa's.

She went in a hot tub for the first time.

AND, today she celebrated her very first birthday in America!!  We marked the actual day (Wednesday) with a trip to the family cabin, and today she had her very first birthday party (that she can remember)  

To top it all off, on May 23rd, she'd officially been in our arms six months from our Gotcha Day!  

We love you, Alexis Mbo.  I'm so very glad you're mine!  We are so blessed to have these "firsts" with you!

Apparent Project Bracelets

As important and amazing and necessary as I believe orphan care is, there's another side to the coin, which is: helping prevent children from becoming orphans in the first place. I venture to say that one of the biggest reasons for orphans in third world countries is simply that families cannot support their children.  One of my favorite organizations is the Apparent Project, which gives parents in Haiti the skills and opportunity to sustain their family.  Sustainable families= fewer orphans!  

As part of the Apparent Project, men and women in Haiti make jewelry using recycled materials, such as cereal boxes.  These brightly colored boxes are cut into strips and rolled into beads, which are then used to make bracelets, necklaces, and earrings.  This does two things for these families: first, it gives them a sustainable living, and second, it gets trash off the streets of Haiti!  

The Apparent Project recently announced that they are offering some of their bracelets as fundraisers. To help raise money for our adoption, we are selling bracelets made by the Apparent Project.  That means that every bracelet sold not only fulfills the function of helping families in Haiti and getting trash off the streets, it also helps us provide a home for orphans.  Guys, I can't even tell you how jazzed I am about this project!  

One of my very favorite parts about this is that with every bracelet, there's a tag, with a picture and the story of the artisan who made that very bracelet.  It makes it personal, seeing exactly who was touched by your purchase.  

The bracelets are all very brightly colored, and no two are the same.  There are many different color combinations, but they're all beautiful, whatever color you choose!  

Pink 

Red

Orange

Yellow

Green

Blue

Purple

Earth Tones

Bright Multi-Color

Subdued Multi-Color

Each bracelet is $10, with $3 shipping for as many bracelets as you'd like to order.  Again, this supports the adoption of our son as well as parents in Haiti.

I accept Paypal at jnrjhanson@msn.com

Thank you so much for your support!

This Mother's Day

It seems fitting to write on our blog today, on Mother's Day, that we are adopting once again.  This time, a beautiful new son will join our family.

Our boy is five years old, and we are so thrilled, knowing he'll be the completion of our family.  I've had this thought in my head for the last two years, a picture of what our family can be.  Our children: two black, two white.  Two adopted, two biological.  Two boys, two girls.  Two from Congo, two from America.  Everyone has someone like them.

We talked about him, and prayed about him, at great length.  And it took over a month before we officially decided that yes, he is our son.  This is not without some fear, understandably.  We're tired.  It's been a long, financially and emotionally difficult two years since we started the adoption process.  But oh, how excited we are to bring home our boy!

Our family is doing really well, almost five months home.  How crazy that seems!  On one hand, I can't believe it's been that long, and on the other... well, was there ever a time Alexis wasn't my girl?

Looking back at our time in Congo and first home, Alexis has come so very, very far.  Her English skills are astounding- I can hardly believe it.  And she is learning so much in school; just this week, she's improved so much!  But more than that, she's happy, and warm, and loving.  She has a sweet heart, and a fantastic sense of humor.  She loves her family fiercely.

Lexi's favorite color is yellow, "because it's so pretty!" and she loves to wear pretty dresses and care for her babies.  She cannot wait to start school in the fall at "Robby's school," where all three of my babies at home are registered for next year.

Like all our kids, Alexis isn't perfect, but I believe she's perfect for us. She went out of her way to show me that I was important today.  Oh, how I love that girl.

Ella and Robby love their sister, as passionately as she loves them.  They play and fight and sing and dance and yell and hug, all within the same five minutes.  There are times that Ella struggles with sharing everything.  It's very different having a sister to share with, instead of a brother.  That's not to say there aren't benefits- as much as Alexis gets to share Ella's toys, Ella gets to share Lexi's!

Robby, on the other hand, is struggling with wanting to share more.  In our family right, Robby has always been the social one, the extrovert.  He loves nothing more than to be around people.  So it's hard for him some days, wishing his brother was home to share a room and toys and clothes with.  More than anyone, Robby desperately wants his brother to come home!

There are days when money is tight and we get stressed, but I feel so incredibly blessed.  We have been given such amazing gifts in these three (soon four!) kids, and I don't know what I ever did to deserve them.

My Abba is good!

Fighting the Apathy

I've heard, many times, about people struggling to reintegrate after seeing extreme poverty.  And I've known about it, seen pictures, and grieved piteously just from looking at the websites in the aftermath of people's journeys.  I prepared myself for it, this fight to figure out what it all means.  Maybe I've prepared myself to well.

I feel hardened.  I feel like I cannot allow myself to process the things I've seen or allow myself to dwell on them, because really, what happens if I allow myself to REALLY, TRULY look at what is going on, in my daughter's homeland?

I'm struggling to figure out where to go from here.  Because I don't know what I can do from my comfortable, stable home to make a difference in the lives of children there.  Because the corruption in Congo is overwhelming at times.  But that hardness is tearing me apart, because I NEED to do something, for the children, and for me.   For my own heart.  For my own peace of mind.  I can't sit here and do nothing.  Adoption is fantastic, but it's such a small part of orphan care around the world.

This weekend, a friend of mine visited orphanages in Congo.  And in one of the homes, they were present for the kids' one meal of the day.  ONE meal of the day.  And it was a small piece of bread that they dipped in tea for flavor, to fill their small bellies.  They lined them up and fed them this small amount of food.

It's heartbreaking, when you actually stop and think about this idea.  One meal.  Bread and tea.

But it gets harder.  What the picture doesn't show is the "older" kids.  The ones who are around 4.  The ones standing in the back, with nothing to eat, because the orphanage ran out.  And the little ones need it more to survive.  Think about that, really think about that for just a second.  The ONE meal of a day, and there isn't enough for all the kids to eat that day.

Oh, Friends.  That hurts.

I can't tell you exactly where I'll go from here, but I can tell you this:  things have got to change.  Because I'm fairly certain that I won't survive the stain on my heart from doing nothing.   Will you?

Unexpected Grief

Anyone who's adopting internationally can tell you, information about their child's family ranges from very little to non-existent.  There's a likelihood of biological siblings, either current or future, that the child may or may not have been raised with.  It's a blip on the radar, something that is disregarded, for the most part, as inevitable.  

I've had this ridiculous, pie-in-the-sky dream about finding Alexis' family.  Meeting them, sending them pictures and updates.  Once I arrived in Congo, I understood why that was such an unrealistic goal, as Kinshasa has close to 10 million people living there, many of them homeless or close to it.  

Today, I saw a picture of a little boy up for adoption.  And for the very first time, since laying eyes on my daughter, someone looked like her.  Having been to Congo, I've seen thousands of beautiful brown Congolese faces.  And I can honestly say that I haven't seen a smidgen of resemblance to a single person that I've come in contact with.  But this little boy is the spitting image of my little girl.  In fact, he looks so much like her, Alexis first thought that it was a picture of her that I was holding.  (So did other people, in fact).  

This mommy began to speculate, began to dream.  What if, by some grace of God, I'd stumbled upon my daughter's brother?  

There's this huge hole in my heart, that aches to give my girl a history, a family connection.  I will never have baby pictures of her.  I wasn't there to see her take her first steps or smile her first smile, and I cannot record those memories for her like I've done with Robby and Ella.  And I ache, so desperately, to be able to give that to her!  I yearn to tell my daughter her story, the small details that make a person who they are.  And I can never do that.  

Alexis told me that she doesn't know that boy.  That he is, in fact, not her brother, as I'd almost convinced myself was true.  And I'm hurting today, for the brother I cannot give Alexis, and the family I can't give that little boy.  Adoption, while beautiful, is loss.  

What's in a name?

Three weeks ago, this beautiful girl decided that she wanted to be called her middle name, Alexis.  We've felt very strongly, from the very beginning of our adoption, that any child we adopted from the Congo would be losing enough, without us taking away their name as well.  Thinking about the losses in our daughter's life: her family, her friends, her culture, language, food, people who look like her, sound like her...  I know that we are giving her new things by coming here, very important things, such as a home, and education, and most importantly, a family.  

But the reality is, we've also ripped her from her world. When our daughter looks back on her life, I want her to feel that when she weighs the balance of things, that we've given more than we've taken away.  We've adopted a whole person, with a history and a culture and a name, and those things are all a part of the beautiful girl that we're blessed to call our daughter.  

That being said, we also feel very strongly in allowing our daughter to have as much say as possible in this transition.  Our girl has had so little control over her life, and we've always been open to her changing her name, in whatever form that takes.  So when, during a conversation about names and what we call people, Mbo decided she wanted to be called Alexis, we were open to that.  For the sake of her Idaho birth certificate, she will be Alexis Mbo Hanson.

We know that this might be a journey for her.  She may change her mind, many times over the years, in fact. But we love and support her in this, and in all things.  I am so very proud to be this girl's mama.  

Life in the Hanson household

When I was pregnant with Robby, people told me "Once he's here, you'll wonder that he wasn't here all along."  And I found, when holding my beautiful, perfect newborn, that as amazing and strange as that sounded at the time, it was true!  It seemed unbelievable that Robby had ever not been with us.  A part of our family, integral to our lives.  The very same happened when Ella came home.  Our beautiful girl changed the dynamics of life (and the power balance), drastically, but life before her?  What was that?

And Friends, I feel so blessed that the very same can be said of our newest addition to our family.  Be it a honeymoon period or a time of grace or simply our new life as we know it, life with our Congo princess could not be easier.  

These past couple of months have definitely been filled with new things, for us as well as Mbo.  There have been dental cleanings, cavity fillings, doctor appointments, blood draws, fecal samples, immunizations, parasites, language barriers, lost teeth, shared rooms, new schools, changed routines, family additions, social security applications, green cards, re-adoption paperwork, tax questions, workout routines... and on and on and on.  

But through it all, Mbo has reacted with grace and resilience, far more than I'd expect from a 5 year old.  She LOVES her brother and sister, but she's learned to stand up for herself.  When she gets home from school, she flies into my arms with a grin, and she can't wait to tell me all about her day.  While she is growing amazingly fast in her English skills, she sometimes struggles to find the words to fit a situation.  But once things are figured out, she laughs and laughs at the misunderstandings, willing to see the humor in the mistakes.  I sometimes wonder, how did I get so blessed, to be this little girl's mama?  

It seems amazing to me that just over a year ago, I was hesitating to accept the referral of an "older" child.  I grieved a little that I'd never again experience being a mama to an infant or toddler. I worried about what kinds of behaviors we might be bringing into our home.  I ached for the precious years I'd never regain with my child, those early moments.  And while all of those emotions are perfectly valid, perhaps even sensible, my heart breaks to think that I might have missed out on this amazing girl, my wonderful daughter.  

For any of you considering older child adoption, let me leave you with this:  for nine months, we got solemn, somber, sad pictures of a little girl across the world.  She didn't smile.  She didn't look at the camera.  And that same little girl, within a month of being home?  Mbo's happy spirit shines through, every day.  

This is the difference that love makes!

Home At Last!

For those of you that don't know, I've spent the last 5 1/2 weeks in the DRC, diligently working to bring home our little girl, Mbo.  And finally, last night, we arrived home at 9:45 on Christmas Night.  What an incredible Christmas miracle for all of us!

I'm hearing lots of questions from all of you, and while I LOVE talking about Mbo and how she's doing, I'm exhausted!  So I'm taking a moment to post a few of our most asked questions, before I crash into bed.  The biggest question so far is:

How is Mbo adjusting?

I feel that Mbo and I have established the beginnings of a great bond.  There isn't a huge level of surface affection (hugging, kissing, I love you's) on Mbo's part, but frankly, we've known each other a month.  It's totally ok with me if she takes her time.  But she does seem to love me, almost as much as I love her!  She looks to me for help, for answers, for permission.  It's amazing, actually, how quickly she decided that I was her mama.  Amazing.  Sure wish I could take credit for it. I know we might just be in the honeymoon phase, but she's a fantastic kiddo.  Don't get me wrong, there are typical 5 year old behaviors that we've had to figure out together, but she's doing so well!

How did Mbo like the plane ride home?

I was super nervous about this one, myself.  36ish hours travelling for the first time on four separate planes... Doesn't sound like the best scenario for a 5 year old, honestly.  But Mbo was sooo excited about the airplanes.  She loved them!  When landing, she'd hide her eyes in my arm, while clutching my hand with both of hers, but it reminded me of riding a roller coaster for the first time.  Scared but excited all at the same time.    Tummy rolling over.  Mbo was a trooper!  She (and her mommy) got cranky at times, but for the most part, we couldn't have asked for better travel.  Mbo watched Brave probably 5 times total in two days.  I offered other movies, but she LOVED it!

The airport was great.  Mbo was genuinely excited to meet her family.  It felt so good to finally have my whole family together after 9 months of working to that end.  Due to snow, we didn't have as many people come as had planned, but it was just the right amount, honestly.  So, so good to finally hug my family!

How was the first day back?

Let me tell ya, we couldn't have asked for a better 24 hours.  Mbo was so very excited to see everyone, just as they were excited to see her.  She was friendly and outgoing (as much as Mbo is outgoing-she's fairly quiet) and generally happy with everything.  We had a great nights' sleep, as all three of my children slept until 8:30 this morning.  Wow, is that a Christmas gift for these tired parents!

Robby and Ella spontaneously decided that we needed a welcome home party this morning.  So they set up the living room with flowers and sea shell for decorations and finally invited us all in. Robby even insisted on a (terrible) family picture that he wanted us to frame and put on the wall.  Probably not gonna happen, Buddy.

The kids spent the day running around the house, using their God-given lungs to the best of their abilities!  Mbo seems happy and well-adjusted today, thoroughly enjoying her new siblings.  Those kids crack me up!  Who cares about the language barrier?!
 

Robby spent a good deal of time today, patiently explaining things to his new sister.  He was so proud of her that she could count to 20 in English, so he decided to help her learn up to 30!  And then, he wrote our the numbers, so she could see what they looked like.  Love his heart.  There's no one in this world like my Robby.

Mbo and Ryan had a hard time bonding in Congo, while he was there.  It's typical for kids to bond with one parent first, but it's difficult to be on the other side of that.  So it's been so amazing for us that she is so excited to be around Ryan.  Again, there's the reminder that this is all new, and we have a VERY long road ahead of us, but we're off to a better start than I could have imagined.  :)

Ella & Robby are both pretty connected with me at the hip today.  Ella especially is having trouble with not wanting me gone.  She doesn't even want me to leave the room, honestly.  Can't say as I blame her.  I'm holding tight to my kiddos!

All that said, I know we have a long road ahead, but it feels like we're a family.  A dream come true.  Welcome Home, Mbo Alexis Hanson!

God is victorious!

This has been a roller coaster of a month.  First, we thought we'd travel in September.  When we found out that wasn't the case, it took WEEKS to find out where we really were in the process.  And even then, there were conflicting reports of what's actually completed.  Let me tell ya, it hasn't been confidence inspiring.

In the midst of this, our agency sent out a form called the Travel Agreement, which contained very logical, ass-covering verbage that basically asked us to wait to travel until our agency approved travel, ensuring that paperwork is completed, so we don't arrive in the Congo, missing paperwork.  Pretty simple stuff.  Unfortunately, at the end of this "agreement," which was really an addendum to our contract, they stated that "Children of All Nations reserves the right to discontinue processing paperwork with families who refuse to sign the Travel Agreement or choose not to follow these guidelines."  See the problem in that?

There is nowhere in any of our contracts or addendums that gives CAN (Children of All Nations) the right to cancel our adoption, and frankly, I CANNOT sign something that does.  So... I fought back. I emailed our agency back and forth, repeatedly, while they highlighted phrases from our contract that had nothing to do with the issue, at all.  I talked with my fellow CAN families about the problem.  And then I decided to seek legal counsel.  And the lawyer confirmed what I suspected.  CAN would be in breach of contract if they stopped our adoption because we refused to amend the contract, without both parties agreeing to the change.

And, God be praised, it worked!!  I informed CAN what the lawyer had said, and when I finally talked with them on Friday, they informed me that families had been calling IRATE and in tears all week long.  Please believe me when I say that I never want to upset another adoptive family.  Adoption is a very emotional   process, and I don't want to make it any harder than it has to be. That said, I believe in the power of the masses.  And what CAN was asking was unethical and possibly illegal.  My agency travel rep told me that she'd been going to bat for me all week, and that my emails pointing out the problems were all it took to change the minds of CAN staff.  And I want to believe in that, in the honesty and trustworthiness of my agency staff.  What I do know is that things changed when people stood up and said this is wrong.  And I'm sure threatening legal action helped as well.

I counted that as an amazing victory!  On top of that delightful news, we're told that we're now in our thirty day wait period!!!  I'm very, very cautious in my optimism, at this point, which is why this news is at the bottom of this post, rather than the top.  I'm trying not to attach too much significance to this news until I actually see the paperwork.  Call me doubting Thomas, if you will.  IF we actually are in our thirty day period, then on October 13, 2012, Mbo will legally and officially be ours per Congo law!!!  Unfortunately, this doesn't actually mean that we can go get her then, as there are documents, such as the passport, that has to be arranged and that takes time.  So, please God, please please God!, we'll go meet our daughter in November!  At this point, I don't know which side of November it will be.  I'm mostly just praying that we'll all be home by Christmas (Actually, that's a lie.  I want to be home by December 1st!)

In other fantastic news, Mbo has a tutor coming to her orphanage several days a week to help her learn English!  It's a brand new program, specifically for families adopting from this orphanage through our agency.  I can't even tell you how great I think this idea is!  Mbo will be learning simple basic English phrases, such as "I'm hungry" or "I need to go to the bathroom."  On top of which, the teacher will be talking with the kids about their new families, really basic stuff about adoption.  We get to send pictures of our house, our family, and Mbo and Ella's room, along with basic descriptions, so she'll have an idea of where she's going when she leaves the DRC.  I think it's fantastic. I'm all in favor of as much preparation as possible for adopted kids, anything to lessen the trauma and culture shock of leaving everything familiar.

We're not hoping for much, however.  We're not expecting her to be fluent by any means or to seamlessly merge into our family, but we think the exposure is great.  Exposure to the English language, her new family, her new home... Overall, I had an amazing Friday.

I'll gladly keep you all updated as we get more news, but really, God is working in our adoption and in the lives of our merging family.  It feels so very good to have things finally be falling into place.

God is good!

Ineptitude

How does an agency NOT KNOW that an adoption has to go to court before it can pass court?  We will not be travelling next month.  At this point, it is at least two months away.  Pray, please.  This was a real blow.

Y'all Ready For This?

There are big updates in the works.  The plan, as of right now, is that I will travel to the Congo to get our daughter in about a month!  Before you all get too excited, however, please know that we don't get to bring her home right away.  But in about a month, Mbo will legally be ours by Congo law.  What this means is that when I travel to the DRC, she can come and live with me, while we wait together for the final paperwork for her to come home.  A basic breakdown of it is this:

1. Court papers are filed, petitioning for our adoption of Mbo.
2. Congo law states that family members have 30 days to contest this.
3. At the end of the 30 days, she's ours!  And she is issued three things: a CONA (certificate of non-appeal),
    a birth certificate, and a Congo passport.

At this point, she's ours, and I will travel so that she can live with me while we wait for:

4. U.S. 1-600 (where the U.S. government allows us to adopt her)
5. U.S. VISA
6. DGM appointment (where the Congo gov. signs paperwork allowing her to leave the country)

And then:

7. HOME!

Unfortunately, this does mean I'll be in the DRC for about a month.  Ryan will travel with me for the first part of the trip and then he will return home to take care of our kids while I work on adding another one to the family!  I know this seems a little crazy, living in the Congo for so long, especially being away from Robby & Ella.  But the truth of it is this: my daughter needs me.  She needs her mama.  She needs clean food and water (and enough of it!).  She needs adequate medical care and a bed to sleep in. She needs a mom to love her and take care of her.  And so... I'm going to get her.  Simple as that.  My child needs me, and I'm going.

Because this is a public forum, we won't be posting a lot of details about our travel, at least until we're home.  

This next month is going to be crazy busy, full of preparations to travel.  We started that off yesterday with immunizations to travel.  While I knew shots would be expensive, and I had planned on that, the total amount made me want to puke!  DRC requires yellow fever shots to travel.  So I researched that.  And booked an appointment, knowing that it would be around $350-$400 total for Ryan and I to get those done.

What I didn't plan on was all the other shots we needed!  We got yellow fever, meningitis, and polio vaccines, and Ryan also got a tetanus (I've had one recently enough).  We are also taking typhoid oral vaccinations.  Our total for the day?  $950!!!! And that's not counting the anti-malaria drugs we'll need-  Craziness!  And the best part?  Insurance doesn't cover it.  Boo!

As expensive as that doctor's visit was, protection against these illnesses is worth it.  Seriously.  Worth it.

There's always a lot more to say, but for now, this update is already lengthy!

If you're a praying person, we could use it!

Specifically:
1. Safe travels both to and from as well as in country (Congo transportation is freakin scary!)
2. That God will help our paperwork to go smoothly and easily.
3. That our time together in Congo will be meaningful and well-spent.

And the biggest of them all
4. That God will protect the heart and mind of our daughter, and help keep her safe from the serious consequences that come from being abandoned and without a family.

We love you all and thank you for the support you've shown our family.  This hasn't been an easy process, to say the least, and we truly appreciate you all!

Grief

It's one o'clock in the morning.  And try as I might, I can't either sleep or let go of the thoughts plaguing me tonight.  Thoughts of Mbo. Thoughts of Josue.  Thoughts of another little boy or girl who may belong to our family.  Tonight, I tucked Robby into bed, for the hundredth time, and I was thinking about the quilt I've made him, the fleece throw, and the comforter I've yet to buy.  And I thought, well, our kids will never be cold! And then, of course, it hit me.  Again. Always. That the blankets I've made and those I've planned for, they were supposed to be for Josue as well.

We stand by our decision. We've made the only one possible for our family, for Josue.  But what I really know is that a world away, there is a six year old little boy, not so different from the one sleeping down the hall, who doesn't understand why.  Why he was going to have a family, and now he doesn't. And I don't understand either. Why, when talking about our family, is it our family and Josue, separate equations? Why such a small child should be left, for what will probably be forever, without a real family. Why I had plans for blankets and clothes and toys and photo books for this little man, and now... nothing?  And my grief tonight, is overwhelming.  I want to crawl into my Abba's arms, as I did Ryan's tonight, and just be held.  I want to know that, while I can never be a mom to Josue, my Abba will always be a father to him.

But tonight, it doesn't feel that way.

Tonight, I am raw and aching and struggling to understand.  I can't comprehend the abandonment of so many babies, with empty stomachs.  I can't understand a world in which grown men (and women) do despicable things to little children. Or the bureaucracy that keeps Mbo from me.  What I know is that I have a bed set up, waiting for my little girl to fill it and a closet full of clothes waiting for her to wear them. What I know is that I have full cupboards and warm blankets and so much love in my heart and my arms ache, and I can't share it with my daughter!  What I know is that tonight, tonight I grieve.

Josue

This post is one that I had hoped never to write.  Thursday, we found out new information regarding Josue, and unfortunately, we are not the right family to adopt him.  Josue needs to go to a family that doesn't have younger kids in the home, and with the addition of Mbo, we will have three.  While I can't express how heartbreaking this has been, Ryan and I both feel very at peace with this decision.  For our family and for Josue, there is no other choice to be made.

Unfortunately, even with our closest friends and family, we can't share the details of this decision, and we ask that you respect that.  What I can and will talk about is God's grace through this.  As you all know, the waiting process through all of this has been excruciating!  It has taken months and months longer than we ever expected, and we still don't know when it will all be finished.

But through that wait, we firmly believe that God has been working behind the scenes.  I can't even begin to express how many factors God had to bring together for us to get the information we needed exactly when we needed it.  His grace and protection of our family has been amazing.  Had we accepted a referral for Josue in December, February, April... we wouldn't have known any of this information.  And while I, with my whole heart, wish that things were different, the truth of the situation is that Josue needs a different family.

We are moving forward with our adoption of Mbo, and we are not sure yet exactly how we will handle a second referral, but I will obviously update when we know.  Until then, please pray for a little boy across the world.  Josue needs his perfect family to bring him home.  And, oh, how I wish that was us.

It's here! It's here! It's here!

We are so VERY excited to announce that we have (finally) received our referral for Josue and Mbo.  What this means is that we have their medical information and their pictures, and we can officially move forward towards adopting them!  We're looking at anywhere between 3-6 months and they'll be home!  We won't be posting any pictures on this site or on Facebook until after they're home, but if you're a close family member or friend, please send me your email (or address) and I'd be happy to forward one to you!  Yay!

Latest email from our adoption specialist

I had an email this morning that contained both very concerning and very exciting news.  The exciting news is that, after weeks of waiting on tenderhooks, we should have our referral any time!  We expected to have them weeks ago, but unfortunately, the Congo lawyer didn't get them done for whatever reason.  Things in the Congo just flat out don't go according to plan!

The concerning news is that my five year old daughter, half a world away, has shoved something up her nose... and apparently needs surgery to get it out!  It sounds like a fairly minor problem- kids stick things up their nose all the time.  But do they usually need surgery?  And not just surgery, but surgery in the Congo? And not just surgery in the Congo, but surgery in the Congo without their mommy?!  So obviously, I'm a little nervous about this, especially as our adoption worker doesn't have ANY details yet about what it is that she stuck up her nose, how detailed (read dangerous) the surgery is, or when she'll know more!  And I'm concerned, of course, about the safety of the procedure and more importantly, the accessibility of medication should there be an infection after the surgery!

Pray, please.  Pray that God will be with His daughter as she goes through a scary procedure without a mommy or daddy to comfort her.  Pray that He will guide the doctor's hand as he removes this object.  Pray that He will work miracles to bring our children home soon and safely.  And pray that He will give peace and comfort and love to Josue and Mbo as they sit 8,500 miles away from the people who love them.

Referrals coming soon....

We're waiting to receive our referral information on our kids, and I'm going nuts waiting to see their beautiful faces!!  I got an email from our social worker, Claire, letting me know their info would be ready by around the end of the week (which would have been yesterday).  Unfortunately, we didn't get it yesterday, and I'm having trouble focusing on much else!

While we won't be posting their pictures on here until after they're home for safety and confidentiality reasons, if you're a friend or relative that wants to see their beautiful faces when we have pictures, email me.  Should everything go quickly and well, hopefully Josue and Mbo will be home in August! (Apparently Claire got her name wrong before, and it's Mbo, not Nbo)

I'm just so very, very excited to "meet" my kids!  It's been a long time coming!

On a completely unrelated but (not even close to) equally exciting news, Ryan is graduating today!!!  He'll be getting his MBA through Northwest Nazarene today.  So very proud of that man.

Keep your fingers crossed for us that our referral comes through soon!