Unexpected Grief

Anyone who's adopting internationally can tell you, information about their child's family ranges from very little to non-existent.  There's a likelihood of biological siblings, either current or future, that the child may or may not have been raised with.  It's a blip on the radar, something that is disregarded, for the most part, as inevitable.  

I've had this ridiculous, pie-in-the-sky dream about finding Alexis' family.  Meeting them, sending them pictures and updates.  Once I arrived in Congo, I understood why that was such an unrealistic goal, as Kinshasa has close to 10 million people living there, many of them homeless or close to it.  

Today, I saw a picture of a little boy up for adoption.  And for the very first time, since laying eyes on my daughter, someone looked like her.  Having been to Congo, I've seen thousands of beautiful brown Congolese faces.  And I can honestly say that I haven't seen a smidgen of resemblance to a single person that I've come in contact with.  But this little boy is the spitting image of my little girl.  In fact, he looks so much like her, Alexis first thought that it was a picture of her that I was holding.  (So did other people, in fact).  

This mommy began to speculate, began to dream.  What if, by some grace of God, I'd stumbled upon my daughter's brother?  

There's this huge hole in my heart, that aches to give my girl a history, a family connection.  I will never have baby pictures of her.  I wasn't there to see her take her first steps or smile her first smile, and I cannot record those memories for her like I've done with Robby and Ella.  And I ache, so desperately, to be able to give that to her!  I yearn to tell my daughter her story, the small details that make a person who they are.  And I can never do that.  

Alexis told me that she doesn't know that boy.  That he is, in fact, not her brother, as I'd almost convinced myself was true.  And I'm hurting today, for the brother I cannot give Alexis, and the family I can't give that little boy.  Adoption, while beautiful, is loss.  

What's in a name?

Three weeks ago, this beautiful girl decided that she wanted to be called her middle name, Alexis.  We've felt very strongly, from the very beginning of our adoption, that any child we adopted from the Congo would be losing enough, without us taking away their name as well.  Thinking about the losses in our daughter's life: her family, her friends, her culture, language, food, people who look like her, sound like her...  I know that we are giving her new things by coming here, very important things, such as a home, and education, and most importantly, a family.  

But the reality is, we've also ripped her from her world. When our daughter looks back on her life, I want her to feel that when she weighs the balance of things, that we've given more than we've taken away.  We've adopted a whole person, with a history and a culture and a name, and those things are all a part of the beautiful girl that we're blessed to call our daughter.  

That being said, we also feel very strongly in allowing our daughter to have as much say as possible in this transition.  Our girl has had so little control over her life, and we've always been open to her changing her name, in whatever form that takes.  So when, during a conversation about names and what we call people, Mbo decided she wanted to be called Alexis, we were open to that.  For the sake of her Idaho birth certificate, she will be Alexis Mbo Hanson.

We know that this might be a journey for her.  She may change her mind, many times over the years, in fact. But we love and support her in this, and in all things.  I am so very proud to be this girl's mama.  

Life in the Hanson household

When I was pregnant with Robby, people told me "Once he's here, you'll wonder that he wasn't here all along."  And I found, when holding my beautiful, perfect newborn, that as amazing and strange as that sounded at the time, it was true!  It seemed unbelievable that Robby had ever not been with us.  A part of our family, integral to our lives.  The very same happened when Ella came home.  Our beautiful girl changed the dynamics of life (and the power balance), drastically, but life before her?  What was that?

And Friends, I feel so blessed that the very same can be said of our newest addition to our family.  Be it a honeymoon period or a time of grace or simply our new life as we know it, life with our Congo princess could not be easier.  

These past couple of months have definitely been filled with new things, for us as well as Mbo.  There have been dental cleanings, cavity fillings, doctor appointments, blood draws, fecal samples, immunizations, parasites, language barriers, lost teeth, shared rooms, new schools, changed routines, family additions, social security applications, green cards, re-adoption paperwork, tax questions, workout routines... and on and on and on.  

But through it all, Mbo has reacted with grace and resilience, far more than I'd expect from a 5 year old.  She LOVES her brother and sister, but she's learned to stand up for herself.  When she gets home from school, she flies into my arms with a grin, and she can't wait to tell me all about her day.  While she is growing amazingly fast in her English skills, she sometimes struggles to find the words to fit a situation.  But once things are figured out, she laughs and laughs at the misunderstandings, willing to see the humor in the mistakes.  I sometimes wonder, how did I get so blessed, to be this little girl's mama?  

It seems amazing to me that just over a year ago, I was hesitating to accept the referral of an "older" child.  I grieved a little that I'd never again experience being a mama to an infant or toddler. I worried about what kinds of behaviors we might be bringing into our home.  I ached for the precious years I'd never regain with my child, those early moments.  And while all of those emotions are perfectly valid, perhaps even sensible, my heart breaks to think that I might have missed out on this amazing girl, my wonderful daughter.  

For any of you considering older child adoption, let me leave you with this:  for nine months, we got solemn, somber, sad pictures of a little girl across the world.  She didn't smile.  She didn't look at the camera.  And that same little girl, within a month of being home?  Mbo's happy spirit shines through, every day.  

This is the difference that love makes!

Home At Last!

For those of you that don't know, I've spent the last 5 1/2 weeks in the DRC, diligently working to bring home our little girl, Mbo.  And finally, last night, we arrived home at 9:45 on Christmas Night.  What an incredible Christmas miracle for all of us!

I'm hearing lots of questions from all of you, and while I LOVE talking about Mbo and how she's doing, I'm exhausted!  So I'm taking a moment to post a few of our most asked questions, before I crash into bed.  The biggest question so far is:

How is Mbo adjusting?

I feel that Mbo and I have established the beginnings of a great bond.  There isn't a huge level of surface affection (hugging, kissing, I love you's) on Mbo's part, but frankly, we've known each other a month.  It's totally ok with me if she takes her time.  But she does seem to love me, almost as much as I love her!  She looks to me for help, for answers, for permission.  It's amazing, actually, how quickly she decided that I was her mama.  Amazing.  Sure wish I could take credit for it. I know we might just be in the honeymoon phase, but she's a fantastic kiddo.  Don't get me wrong, there are typical 5 year old behaviors that we've had to figure out together, but she's doing so well!

How did Mbo like the plane ride home?

I was super nervous about this one, myself.  36ish hours travelling for the first time on four separate planes... Doesn't sound like the best scenario for a 5 year old, honestly.  But Mbo was sooo excited about the airplanes.  She loved them!  When landing, she'd hide her eyes in my arm, while clutching my hand with both of hers, but it reminded me of riding a roller coaster for the first time.  Scared but excited all at the same time.    Tummy rolling over.  Mbo was a trooper!  She (and her mommy) got cranky at times, but for the most part, we couldn't have asked for better travel.  Mbo watched Brave probably 5 times total in two days.  I offered other movies, but she LOVED it!

The airport was great.  Mbo was genuinely excited to meet her family.  It felt so good to finally have my whole family together after 9 months of working to that end.  Due to snow, we didn't have as many people come as had planned, but it was just the right amount, honestly.  So, so good to finally hug my family!

How was the first day back?

Let me tell ya, we couldn't have asked for a better 24 hours.  Mbo was so very excited to see everyone, just as they were excited to see her.  She was friendly and outgoing (as much as Mbo is outgoing-she's fairly quiet) and generally happy with everything.  We had a great nights' sleep, as all three of my children slept until 8:30 this morning.  Wow, is that a Christmas gift for these tired parents!

Robby and Ella spontaneously decided that we needed a welcome home party this morning.  So they set up the living room with flowers and sea shell for decorations and finally invited us all in. Robby even insisted on a (terrible) family picture that he wanted us to frame and put on the wall.  Probably not gonna happen, Buddy.

The kids spent the day running around the house, using their God-given lungs to the best of their abilities!  Mbo seems happy and well-adjusted today, thoroughly enjoying her new siblings.  Those kids crack me up!  Who cares about the language barrier?!
 

Robby spent a good deal of time today, patiently explaining things to his new sister.  He was so proud of her that she could count to 20 in English, so he decided to help her learn up to 30!  And then, he wrote our the numbers, so she could see what they looked like.  Love his heart.  There's no one in this world like my Robby.

Mbo and Ryan had a hard time bonding in Congo, while he was there.  It's typical for kids to bond with one parent first, but it's difficult to be on the other side of that.  So it's been so amazing for us that she is so excited to be around Ryan.  Again, there's the reminder that this is all new, and we have a VERY long road ahead of us, but we're off to a better start than I could have imagined.  :)

Ella & Robby are both pretty connected with me at the hip today.  Ella especially is having trouble with not wanting me gone.  She doesn't even want me to leave the room, honestly.  Can't say as I blame her.  I'm holding tight to my kiddos!

All that said, I know we have a long road ahead, but it feels like we're a family.  A dream come true.  Welcome Home, Mbo Alexis Hanson!

God is victorious!

This has been a roller coaster of a month.  First, we thought we'd travel in September.  When we found out that wasn't the case, it took WEEKS to find out where we really were in the process.  And even then, there were conflicting reports of what's actually completed.  Let me tell ya, it hasn't been confidence inspiring.

In the midst of this, our agency sent out a form called the Travel Agreement, which contained very logical, ass-covering verbage that basically asked us to wait to travel until our agency approved travel, ensuring that paperwork is completed, so we don't arrive in the Congo, missing paperwork.  Pretty simple stuff.  Unfortunately, at the end of this "agreement," which was really an addendum to our contract, they stated that "Children of All Nations reserves the right to discontinue processing paperwork with families who refuse to sign the Travel Agreement or choose not to follow these guidelines."  See the problem in that?

There is nowhere in any of our contracts or addendums that gives CAN (Children of All Nations) the right to cancel our adoption, and frankly, I CANNOT sign something that does.  So... I fought back. I emailed our agency back and forth, repeatedly, while they highlighted phrases from our contract that had nothing to do with the issue, at all.  I talked with my fellow CAN families about the problem.  And then I decided to seek legal counsel.  And the lawyer confirmed what I suspected.  CAN would be in breach of contract if they stopped our adoption because we refused to amend the contract, without both parties agreeing to the change.

And, God be praised, it worked!!  I informed CAN what the lawyer had said, and when I finally talked with them on Friday, they informed me that families had been calling IRATE and in tears all week long.  Please believe me when I say that I never want to upset another adoptive family.  Adoption is a very emotional   process, and I don't want to make it any harder than it has to be. That said, I believe in the power of the masses.  And what CAN was asking was unethical and possibly illegal.  My agency travel rep told me that she'd been going to bat for me all week, and that my emails pointing out the problems were all it took to change the minds of CAN staff.  And I want to believe in that, in the honesty and trustworthiness of my agency staff.  What I do know is that things changed when people stood up and said this is wrong.  And I'm sure threatening legal action helped as well.

I counted that as an amazing victory!  On top of that delightful news, we're told that we're now in our thirty day wait period!!!  I'm very, very cautious in my optimism, at this point, which is why this news is at the bottom of this post, rather than the top.  I'm trying not to attach too much significance to this news until I actually see the paperwork.  Call me doubting Thomas, if you will.  IF we actually are in our thirty day period, then on October 13, 2012, Mbo will legally and officially be ours per Congo law!!!  Unfortunately, this doesn't actually mean that we can go get her then, as there are documents, such as the passport, that has to be arranged and that takes time.  So, please God, please please God!, we'll go meet our daughter in November!  At this point, I don't know which side of November it will be.  I'm mostly just praying that we'll all be home by Christmas (Actually, that's a lie.  I want to be home by December 1st!)

In other fantastic news, Mbo has a tutor coming to her orphanage several days a week to help her learn English!  It's a brand new program, specifically for families adopting from this orphanage through our agency.  I can't even tell you how great I think this idea is!  Mbo will be learning simple basic English phrases, such as "I'm hungry" or "I need to go to the bathroom."  On top of which, the teacher will be talking with the kids about their new families, really basic stuff about adoption.  We get to send pictures of our house, our family, and Mbo and Ella's room, along with basic descriptions, so she'll have an idea of where she's going when she leaves the DRC.  I think it's fantastic. I'm all in favor of as much preparation as possible for adopted kids, anything to lessen the trauma and culture shock of leaving everything familiar.

We're not hoping for much, however.  We're not expecting her to be fluent by any means or to seamlessly merge into our family, but we think the exposure is great.  Exposure to the English language, her new family, her new home... Overall, I had an amazing Friday.

I'll gladly keep you all updated as we get more news, but really, God is working in our adoption and in the lives of our merging family.  It feels so very good to have things finally be falling into place.

God is good!

Ineptitude

How does an agency NOT KNOW that an adoption has to go to court before it can pass court?  We will not be travelling next month.  At this point, it is at least two months away.  Pray, please.  This was a real blow.

Y'all Ready For This?

There are big updates in the works.  The plan, as of right now, is that I will travel to the Congo to get our daughter in about a month!  Before you all get too excited, however, please know that we don't get to bring her home right away.  But in about a month, Mbo will legally be ours by Congo law.  What this means is that when I travel to the DRC, she can come and live with me, while we wait together for the final paperwork for her to come home.  A basic breakdown of it is this:

1. Court papers are filed, petitioning for our adoption of Mbo.
2. Congo law states that family members have 30 days to contest this.
3. At the end of the 30 days, she's ours!  And she is issued three things: a CONA (certificate of non-appeal),
    a birth certificate, and a Congo passport.

At this point, she's ours, and I will travel so that she can live with me while we wait for:

4. U.S. 1-600 (where the U.S. government allows us to adopt her)
5. U.S. VISA
6. DGM appointment (where the Congo gov. signs paperwork allowing her to leave the country)

And then:

7. HOME!

Unfortunately, this does mean I'll be in the DRC for about a month.  Ryan will travel with me for the first part of the trip and then he will return home to take care of our kids while I work on adding another one to the family!  I know this seems a little crazy, living in the Congo for so long, especially being away from Robby & Ella.  But the truth of it is this: my daughter needs me.  She needs her mama.  She needs clean food and water (and enough of it!).  She needs adequate medical care and a bed to sleep in. She needs a mom to love her and take care of her.  And so... I'm going to get her.  Simple as that.  My child needs me, and I'm going.

Because this is a public forum, we won't be posting a lot of details about our travel, at least until we're home.  

This next month is going to be crazy busy, full of preparations to travel.  We started that off yesterday with immunizations to travel.  While I knew shots would be expensive, and I had planned on that, the total amount made me want to puke!  DRC requires yellow fever shots to travel.  So I researched that.  And booked an appointment, knowing that it would be around $350-$400 total for Ryan and I to get those done.

What I didn't plan on was all the other shots we needed!  We got yellow fever, meningitis, and polio vaccines, and Ryan also got a tetanus (I've had one recently enough).  We are also taking typhoid oral vaccinations.  Our total for the day?  $950!!!! And that's not counting the anti-malaria drugs we'll need-  Craziness!  And the best part?  Insurance doesn't cover it.  Boo!

As expensive as that doctor's visit was, protection against these illnesses is worth it.  Seriously.  Worth it.

There's always a lot more to say, but for now, this update is already lengthy!

If you're a praying person, we could use it!

Specifically:
1. Safe travels both to and from as well as in country (Congo transportation is freakin scary!)
2. That God will help our paperwork to go smoothly and easily.
3. That our time together in Congo will be meaningful and well-spent.

And the biggest of them all
4. That God will protect the heart and mind of our daughter, and help keep her safe from the serious consequences that come from being abandoned and without a family.

We love you all and thank you for the support you've shown our family.  This hasn't been an easy process, to say the least, and we truly appreciate you all!