We found out today that one of our potential matches, Aristria (3), is no longer available for us to adopt her. She has either gone home to her parents or is being adopted by another family. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how sad this makes us- it goes without saying, right? But I am also happy for her, that she is on her way to being out of the orphanage forever.
We're grieving today. There was a time, a few years ago, that we were in the process of adopting a little girl and it didn't work out. We had a name, pictures, information about her. And when we didn't adopt her, it broke my heart. I felt like I'd lost a child. Thinking about her, even now, I hurt deep inside. This is not quite like this. We don't have a picture of Ari or any information about her. Just a name and an age. Where losing Maria felt like a miscarriage in a lot of ways (the loss of an actual child), this is more like finding out we were never pregnant to begin with. There's an ache in my chest that won't go away.
Josue is still available for us, and we plan to move forward with his adoption. In the meantime, the staff in the Congo will be looking for a second child for us, another little girl. While we will be thrilled when this comes, and while we know Aristria was obviously not meant to be a part of our family, it still aches.
We only had a name. But that's enough to make me miss her.